online diary

So it’s been cold in texas for like the past couple of days, and because of that we have had no school for 2/5 days!

I thought that this would be a great opportunity to get ahead on some of my work and study for my upcoming tests, but truthfully I am not going to be doing all that. When i’m at home i’d rather be happy.

If i’m honest, I really like the weather. I really like the gray gloomy sky that accompanies winter. I like the bare trees, I like the cold. Ever since I was a young girl (not saying that i’m not) i’ve always liked gloomy things. The melancholy. I’m drawn to things people would consider sad. I am aware they are sad. But i like them so much. I hear of people talking about how heartbreaking their life is and as much as I hate to admit it, I wish I would feel that strong of an emotion. I’ve been indifferent for all of my life I think. I remember my first boyfriend. And how even after we broke up, I didn’t fell sad, or happy. I am in a constant state of neutrality. Britain could learn a thing from me hehe. But as I was saying, I wish I could experience a strong emotions that would drive me to do things. If you were to give me the option “would you rather experience true sadness or happiness?” I would say true sadness. It fits my demeanor I think. And I don’t think I’m ever really sad, or ever really truly happy. It comes naturally to me, to behave as a happy person would ( not saying that i’m not happy) . I talk to my friends with a smile, i laugh with them, i joke around and i think that’s happiness. Sad things happen and I don’t think i know the appropriate response. What do sad people do?

I cry. I do. But i don’t think it comes from a place of sadness but rather a place of understanding. I understand this story is sad so i cry. I understand that i hate myself and so I cry. Maybe it’s also jealousy. But i won’t think I ever feel sad. Just happiness?, jealousy, and stress. I’d like to feel truly sad. Maybe even depressed. Or maybe not. I just want to have a deep emotion.

I’m sure someone will relate.